All Agent P articles

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: that sinking feeling

    2021-10-22T00:00:00Z

    Friday 22 Oct, Noon, Titanic Room: UK leasing team leaders meeting. Fifteen or so of us gather warily once a quarter. The barely hidden agenda consists of dissing rivals, boasting of our successes, excusing failures and general point-scoring with GBH’s head of leasing, normally chummy Brian.

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: old Tom

    2021-10-07T00:00:00Z

    Sunday 3 October, 7-ish. At home: Half-watching some woke nonsense on Countryfile when the boss rings. “Meeting, Corinthic Room, 7.30am tomorrow.” OMG! Has Sporty Girl dobbed me in over that bit of harmless banter last week? Is this the chop? Sleepless night follows.

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: pay our own RICS fees? not likely

    2021-09-23T00:00:00Z

    Friday 24 September 9.30am, Baltic Room: “Pay our own RICS fees? I don’t think so!” snorts Charlie Boy, the only member of Team P who’s a FRICS, which cost GBH £658 this year because the firm always pay your fees, don’t they? It’s like a rule, isn’t it?

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: back to school

    2021-09-09T00:00:00Z

    Friday 10 September 8.30am, Britannic Room: What a week! School’s-back atmosphere. Team P all present and correct at GBH House since Tuesday. Today’s official agenda handed down from the Eighth Floor. Tell us in 500 words and on one Excel sheet how your tiny shard of GBH is going to ...

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: wallbanger

    2021-08-27T00:00:00Z

    Friday 27 August, noon: All-Zoom meeting. Dispensation to not attend in person reluctantly given yesterday.

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: pinged

    2021-08-06T00:00:00Z

    Friday 6 August. Pinged! Fuming at home: I blame Charlie Boy, who wriggled his wrist in that ‘beer, anyone?’ way last Friday lunchtime. The Guinea was rammed. Team P ended up in the Punchbowl on Farm Street, where Strutt & Parker refugees from French rule still gather.

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: freedom?

    2021-07-23T00:00:00Z

    Friday 23 July, 8.30am, Homeric Room: Place is a morgue. But the Eighth Floor has commanded teams meet once a week now ‘freedom’ has been declared by holed-up Boris. Geek Boy is presenting. He has returned from a six-month secondment to HR.

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: witch’s broom

    2021-07-09T00:00:00Z

    Friday 9 July 2pm: gripping a witch’s broom between my thighs in a dank basement car park at a prospective client’s shopping centre.

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: GBH

    2021-06-24T00:00:00Z

    Friday 25 June 7.30am – sequestered in the bowels of (redacted) bank: GBH has been hired by a bunch of ravening wolves looking to tear apart Morrisons. No, not Clayton Dubilier and whatever – another lot, who make The Dubliners, as we call them, look like lambs.

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: back to the office (sort of)

    2021-06-11T00:00:00Z

    Friday 11 June: 8.30am back in the (Titanic) room! Well, four of us are: Geek Lad, Young Thruster and Posh Boy are up on the split screen. “What the hell are you boys doing?” I bark. “Friday is a Team P office day!”

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: TGIF

    2021-05-28T00:00:00Z

    Friday 28 May, 9.30am; back in the Zoom. Team P has voted to WFH on a Friday. The office resembles the Mary Celeste that day. The rumour is GBH will go all Goldman Sachs and order us to haul our sorry selves in on Fridays.

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: face to face, finally

    2021-05-14T00:00:00Z

    Friday 14 May 7.30am, second floor, GBH House: Queer seeing Team P in the flesh after eight months. Each of us is shyly eyeing the other, as we plonk our stuff down on and under a set of six desks in my favoured corner.

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: G&T time

    2021-04-30T00:00:00Z

    Friday 30 April: I’m more Savills than Knight Frank, really. CBRE if the money was good. My loyalty to GBH is running dry. Atlanta has tapped Giles A instead of Alex W to run the UK. 

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: Cyberspace race

    2021-04-16T00:00:00Z

    Noon, Friday 16 April: Team P Zoomie. Geek Boy is 10 minutes into a bewildering spiel on how Non-Fungible Tokens (NFTs) will open the floodgates to virtual property trading. Charlie Boy bursts in: “Enough of the [redacted] NFTs. No punter on Earth would be dumb enough to buy kit that ...

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: let's talk about sheds

    2021-04-01T00:00:00Z

    Noon, Friday 2 April: Team P Zoomie. We have a good chortle at Geek Boy, garbed in fresh white shirt instead of his usual Cradle of Filth tee. Yesterday, I fooled him into smartening up, suggesting GBH’s global tech boss from Atlanta would be on-screen today. IT guys – can’t ...

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: Team P Zoomie

    2021-03-19T00:00:00Z

    Friday 19 March 11.30am, Team P Zoomie: All pretence at dressing up gone. Even Posh Girl is in a hoodie. What Young Thruster’s wearing under that bilious green duvet is best not imagined. Nobody can really be bothered with work stuff.

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: Zoomie with them upstairs

    2021-03-05T00:00:00Z

    Friday 5 March, Zoomie with Them Upstairs: Marzipan-layer managers like me are getting advance griff from the Eighth Floor on GBH’s ‘come back to work’ strategy.

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: the incredible sulk

    2021-02-18T00:00:00Z

    Friday 19 February, 8.30am Zoomie: When I sulked as a child, my mother tried to tease a smile with, “aww…who licked the sugar off your bun?” I’m sulking now.

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: Zoomie

    2021-02-03T11:01:00Z

    Friday 5 February, 8.30am Zoomie: I spot a sky-blue vase bursting with daffodils on the Welsh dresser behind Posh Girl.

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: RICS the focus of first Zoom

    2021-01-22T00:00:00Z

    Friday 22 January 11am: first Team P Zoom of the year!