All Agent P articles

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: the incredible sulk

    2021-02-18T00:00:00Z

    Friday 19 February, 8.30am Zoomie: When I sulked as a child, my mother tried to tease a smile with, “aww…who licked the sugar off your bun?” I’m sulking now.

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    Agent P: Zoomie

    2021-02-03T11:01:00Z

    Friday 5 February, 8.30am Zoomie: I spot a sky-blue vase bursting with daffodils on the Welsh dresser behind Posh Girl.

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    Agent P: RICS the focus of first Zoom

    2021-01-22T00:00:00Z

    Friday 22 January 11am: first Team P Zoom of the year! 

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    Agent P: New year honours

    2021-01-08T00:00:00Z

    Friday 8 January, still holed up at home: Year-end appraisals cancelled, yippee! No wary bonus chat with Gruppenführer Geoff. No weary chats with Team P. They always whine about pay! Even the Eighth Floor can see conducting appraisals remotely is as useless as dating on Zoom.

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    Agent P: Festive cheer

    2020-12-11T00:00:00Z

    Friday 11 December, virtual Christmas drinks: I’d rather drink hemlock in hell, but the rest of Team P pinged ‘Yay!’ when Young Thruster suggested we should “bling up and drink up!” on Zoom at noon. Up the oik pops in an Eminem T-shirt, clutching a Becks. Is that a chromed-up ...

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    Agent P: Hot gossip

    2020-11-27T00:00:00Z

    Friday 27th November: Idling at home, bored. Fire up Zoom for a goss with my mate Joe at JLL. Mission: to suss his new EMEA boss, a Yank called Andy Poppink. “A basketball Jock who makes George Clooney look like George Soros,” sighs Joe, five foot three in his socks ...

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    Agent P: Zoom calls

    2020-11-13T00:00:00Z

    Friday 13 November, couch surfing: Zoomed an old Kingston mate last Sunday out of curiosity – and having sod-all else to do now my local has locked its doors again. Tommy spent his entire career at Lambert Smith Hampton, since we graduated in 1998. He always was a shed-head. LSH ...

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    Agent P: self-isolating

    2020-10-28T16:20:00Z

    Friday 30 October: self-isolating from impending S-storm. Klaxons going off across GBH.

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    Agent P: WFH

    2020-10-14T15:34:00Z

    Friday 16 October, WFH: Geek Boy was right – these 10-inch ring lights brighten up life on Zoom no end! Plug ‘em into the laptop and bingo! Instead of six faces peering down a drain at dusk, Team P lines up in bright and glorious detail.

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    Agent P: In bed

    2020-09-30T11:26:00Z

    Friday October 1st: In bed. I’ve had it. Sweet September has soured into bitter October. The rest of Team P is seconded to Property Management, to rustle up Q4 rents. Fat chance.

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    Agent P: The Tank

    2020-09-17T00:00:00Z

    6pm, 18 September, The Tank: Why GBH staff call the spit-and-sawdust wine bar north of Oxford Street ‘The Tank’ is lost in time. Didn’t getting ‘tanked up’ used to be a thing? Not tonight, place is a morgue.

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    Agent P: Teutonic Room

    2020-09-03T10:14:00Z

    8.30am, Friday 4 September, Teutonic Room: “Say hello to Charlie Boy.” I gesture to Team P’s newest recruit, the embarrassed 54-year-old third son of a minor hereditary peer who left Savills under a weeny cloud a few months ago.

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    Agent P: posh girl

    2020-07-29T10:56:00Z

    31 July, noon: Standing with Posh Girl on the ninth floor of an empty 1970s office block by a flyover on the A13 at Pitsea in Essex. With us is Mr X, beaming with pleasure.

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    Agent P: back to work

    2020-07-16T00:00:00Z

    8.30am, Friday 17 July, Teutonic Room: All five members of Team P are present and correct, thanks to Boris’s ‘back to work’ edict.

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    Agent P: cat's out of the bag

    2020-07-03T00:00:00Z

    10am, Friday 3 July: Back on ruddy Zoom. Young Thruster looks ashen-faced. I tell him to adjust his Anglepoise. No difference. He’s pale as a ghost.

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    Agent P: getting the gang back together

    2020-06-19T00:00:00Z

    8.30am, 19 June, Titanic Room: Weird having Team P sat round the table after three months. The room barely holds the six of us, socially distanced. Odd seeing them in the flesh, dressed and pressed.

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    Agent P: an old friend's in town

    2020-06-05T00:00:00Z

    Friday 5 June: back in the office. Secret squirrel pow wow. Weird atmosphere. Zig-zag tape all over the floors. No lift, so flog up the stairs to eighth floor. Guess who’s sitting with GBH bosses alongside a VBC (very big cheese) from Atlanta? OLD TOM! MY MAN! Fired 18 months ...

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    Agent P: He's back...with ideas

    2020-05-22T00:00:00Z

    8.30am, 22 May, an East Kent Ford dealership. Guess who’s back from Mexico? My mate Ivan. He scuttled off to some place named after a dog in 2009 with a few million, after HMRC came knocking. Wife’s rich uncle provided a bolthole. Chihuahua was it? No matter.

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    Agent P: Decisions, decisions...

    2020-05-07T00:00:00Z

    3.25am, 7 May: lockdown day… lost count. Can’t sleep, mind in turmoil. Take a call from an old Reading mate who’s also on furlough. He’s moonlighting for an outfit called PropCash and wants to know if I’d like to earn a few bob.

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    Agent P: Furloughed...

    2020-04-23T00:00:00Z

    4pm, 24 April: day 42 of lockdown. Team P was ‘furloughed’ yesterday… including ME! I’m devastated. The others, well, cannon fodder. But ME? Sod that.