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All Agent P articles
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NewsAgent P: payday
Friday 20 May 8.30am, Teutonic Room: Managed to get a full house this week using the carrot of going for lunch and not coming back. Wagamama in Holborn, not the Punchbowl in Mayfair. I saw no need to mention the venue. The days of scoffing the £50 set menu and ...
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Agent P: the Otherside
Friday 6 May, 8.30am, Baltic Room: Easier to herd cats than physically gather Team P on a Friday these days. Young Thruster and Geek Boy are in the room, the other shirkers on Zoom.
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Agent P: back in the building
Friday 22nd April, 10am. Eighth-floor boardroom: Section heads meeting. Spittle begins to fly from Mike’s mouth as our esteemed UK boss gathers stride in what began as rant against this year’s intake of “work-shy, entitled, insolent graduates”, before metastasising into blast against what he calls the “Home Eff Work shenanigans”.
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Agent P: caught in the middle
Friday 8th April, Corinthic Room, 9.30am: “Enough! Enough!” I bellow at Charlie Boy, who was spitting far more than feathers at Posh Girl. Charlie is ex-army, ex-Savills, all Force Nine charm with a laugh like an ack-ack gun. Ageing, but with his contacts, still a deadly deal-getter.
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Agent P: Operation Winston
Friday 25th March, Titanic Room. 8.00am: Team talk! Feels good sharing a room again with my five campaneros. I feel they deserve a briefing on the secret work I have been doing as part of Operation Winston, namely a history review of Russian client files in case we turned the ...
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Agent P: Operation Purify
Friday 11 March: Hunkered in GBH bunker, aiding Operation Purify. Mipim? Not going now, don’t care! I’m chalking up house points as a member of Operation Purify, trusted employees scouring The Stain of Putin from GBH.
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Agent P: A Russian visitor
Friday 25 February, noon: Utilitarian hotel room, Heathrow. My one Russian client has flown in from Cyprus. Kirill is no oligarch. I bought him a modest multi-let industrial estate in Lewisham 10 years ago for £6m – at a juicy 11% yield. Credit Suisse vouched for him.
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Agent P: Mother of God
Friday 11 February, 8.30am Britannic Room: Charlie Boy is on resignation alert. The only client he lured over from Savills when he joined GBH in 2020 was last week lured by Knight Frank to a big breakfast presentation at the nouveau Nobu Hotel, a spangled spot off Portman Square with ...
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Agent P: Dad doo doo
Friday 28th January, 8.30am, Titanic Room: Young Thruster pleads for ideas. His dad is in debt doo doo.
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Agent P: Baltic Room
Friday 14 January, 8.30am, Baltic Room: a zinger of an idea to kick off 2022. GBH’s tack-sharp fund originators have figured a way to make a bundle from Grenfell-blighted blocks, now Gove is promising to pay to replace cladding.
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Agent P: WFH...again
Friday 17th November, 10am. In bed, bad head: Sigh… Truth to tell, being told on Monday to work from home was a bit of a relief. Managed to get the Christmas shopping done yesterday and meet a few mates for a happy afternoon (and evening) in the pub.
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Agent P: sign of the times
Friday 3 December 11.25am: Attlee Room (redacted) City Council offices. You’d think the £620 our client, Josh Bang, paid upfront for pre-app meeting would have bought us more than filthy coffee and a brusque brush-off from the deputy chief planner.
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Agent P: greenwashing
Friday 19 November, 8.45am, Teutonic Room: “Cop this!” snorts Charlie Boy, staring down at his phone, interrupting my half-hearted explanation of why GBH now wants staff to define their personal pronouns.
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Agent P: down the drain
Friday 5 November, 8.30am. Oceanic room: Bad news to impart. About 80% of Team P’s 2021 bonus pool has just swirled down the drain. A BTR purchase of 115 flats in Hull has been nixed after five months of patient pushing by Charlie Boy and Posh Girl.
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Agent P: that sinking feeling
Friday 22 Oct, Noon, Titanic Room: UK leasing team leaders meeting. Fifteen or so of us gather warily once a quarter. The barely hidden agenda consists of dissing rivals, boasting of our successes, excusing failures and general point-scoring with GBH’s head of leasing, normally chummy Brian.
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Agent P: old Tom
Sunday 3 October, 7-ish. At home: Half-watching some woke nonsense on Countryfile when the boss rings. “Meeting, Corinthic Room, 7.30am tomorrow.” OMG! Has Sporty Girl dobbed me in over that bit of harmless banter last week? Is this the chop? Sleepless night follows.
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Agent P: pay our own RICS fees? not likely
Friday 24 September 9.30am, Baltic Room: “Pay our own RICS fees? I don’t think so!” snorts Charlie Boy, the only member of Team P who’s a FRICS, which cost GBH £658 this year because the firm always pay your fees, don’t they? It’s like a rule, isn’t it?
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Agent P: back to school
Friday 10 September 8.30am, Britannic Room: What a week! School’s-back atmosphere. Team P all present and correct at GBH House since Tuesday. Today’s official agenda handed down from the Eighth Floor. Tell us in 500 words and on one Excel sheet how your tiny shard of GBH is going to ...
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Agent P: wallbanger
Friday 27 August, noon: All-Zoom meeting. Dispensation to not attend in person reluctantly given yesterday.
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Agent P: pinged
Friday 6 August. Pinged! Fuming at home: I blame Charlie Boy, who wriggled his wrist in that ‘beer, anyone?’ way last Friday lunchtime. The Guinea was rammed. Team P ended up in the Punchbowl on Farm Street, where Strutt & Parker refugees from French rule still gather.
