All Agent P articles

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: Zoom calls

    2020-11-13T00:00:00Z

    Friday 13 November, couch surfing: Zoomed an old Kingston mate last Sunday out of curiosity – and having sod-all else to do now my local has locked its doors again. Tommy spent his entire career at Lambert Smith Hampton, since we graduated in 1998. He always was a shed-head. LSH ...

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    Agent P: self-isolating

    2020-10-28T16:20:00Z

    Friday 30 October: self-isolating from impending S-storm. Klaxons going off across GBH.

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    Agent P: WFH

    2020-10-14T15:34:00Z

    Friday 16 October, WFH: Geek Boy was right – these 10-inch ring lights brighten up life on Zoom no end! Plug ‘em into the laptop and bingo! Instead of six faces peering down a drain at dusk, Team P lines up in bright and glorious detail.

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    Agent P: In bed

    2020-09-30T11:26:00Z

    Friday October 1st: In bed. I’ve had it. Sweet September has soured into bitter October. The rest of Team P is seconded to Property Management, to rustle up Q4 rents. Fat chance.

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    Agent P: The Tank

    2020-09-17T00:00:00Z

    6pm, 18 September, The Tank: Why GBH staff call the spit-and-sawdust wine bar north of Oxford Street ‘The Tank’ is lost in time. Didn’t getting ‘tanked up’ used to be a thing? Not tonight, place is a morgue.

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    Agent P: Teutonic Room

    2020-09-03T10:14:00Z

    8.30am, Friday 4 September, Teutonic Room: “Say hello to Charlie Boy.” I gesture to Team P’s newest recruit, the embarrassed 54-year-old third son of a minor hereditary peer who left Savills under a weeny cloud a few months ago.

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    Agent P: posh girl

    2020-07-29T10:56:00Z

    31 July, noon: Standing with Posh Girl on the ninth floor of an empty 1970s office block by a flyover on the A13 at Pitsea in Essex. With us is Mr X, beaming with pleasure.

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    Agent P: back to work

    2020-07-16T00:00:00Z

    8.30am, Friday 17 July, Teutonic Room: All five members of Team P are present and correct, thanks to Boris’s ‘back to work’ edict.

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    Agent P: cat's out of the bag

    2020-07-03T00:00:00Z

    10am, Friday 3 July: Back on ruddy Zoom. Young Thruster looks ashen-faced. I tell him to adjust his Anglepoise. No difference. He’s pale as a ghost.

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    Agent P: getting the gang back together

    2020-06-19T00:00:00Z

    8.30am, 19 June, Titanic Room: Weird having Team P sat round the table after three months. The room barely holds the six of us, socially distanced. Odd seeing them in the flesh, dressed and pressed.

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    Agent P: an old friend's in town

    2020-06-05T00:00:00Z

    Friday 5 June: back in the office. Secret squirrel pow wow. Weird atmosphere. Zig-zag tape all over the floors. No lift, so flog up the stairs to eighth floor. Guess who’s sitting with GBH bosses alongside a VBC (very big cheese) from Atlanta? OLD TOM! MY MAN! Fired 18 months ...

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    Agent P: He's back...with ideas

    2020-05-22T00:00:00Z

    8.30am, 22 May, an East Kent Ford dealership. Guess who’s back from Mexico? My mate Ivan. He scuttled off to some place named after a dog in 2009 with a few million, after HMRC came knocking. Wife’s rich uncle provided a bolthole. Chihuahua was it? No matter.

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    Agent P: Decisions, decisions...

    2020-05-07T00:00:00Z

    3.25am, 7 May: lockdown day… lost count. Can’t sleep, mind in turmoil. Take a call from an old Reading mate who’s also on furlough. He’s moonlighting for an outfit called PropCash and wants to know if I’d like to earn a few bob.

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    Agent P: Furloughed...

    2020-04-23T00:00:00Z

    4pm, 24 April: day 42 of lockdown. Team P was ‘furloughed’ yesterday… including ME! I’m devastated. The others, well, cannon fodder. But ME? Sod that.

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    Agent P: When will it end?

    2020-03-27T00:00:00Z

    3.40pm, 27 March: day 14 of self-isolation. Late afternoons are the worst. Too early for a beer, too late for a snooze.

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    Agent P: Self-isolating

    2020-03-11T10:24:00Z

    9:45am, 13 March: Self-isolating. Weird things are happening. Stopped scrolling through the phone on Tuesday, after seven days of being stuck at home.

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    Agent P: ticket to Mipim

    2020-02-26T16:27:00Z

    28 February, 9:30am, Baltic Room: Things picking up, jolly meeting, until now. Geek Boy pipes up that he’s going to Mipim. “Really?” I say, straining to sound unconcerned. Yesterday the Eighth Floor told me I wasn’t getting a berth after 17 consecutive years. “GBH’s EMEA CDO has got me a ...

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    Agent P: Olympic room

    2020-02-12T13:08:00Z

    14 February, 8:30am, Olympic Room : All I did was josh Posh Girl about her short skirt, asking if she had a hot date tonight. I may have winked, but it was a friendly wink.

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    Agent P: Baltic Room

    2020-01-15T13:41:00Z

    8.30 am, 17 January, Baltic Room: Redacted client attitude survey towards GBH and our competitors lies smouldering on the table. An annual anal examination costing £50k!

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    Agent P: Where is everyone?

    2019-12-18T10:29:00Z

    20 December, 10:30am. Alone, at hot-desk: I mean, come on! Where is everyone? After half an hour waiting for the rest of Team P in the Titanic Room I give up.