All Agent P articles

  • Agent P
    Professional

    Agent P: EPC

    2022-09-22T00:00:00Z

    Friday 23 September, 9am, Britannic Room. Never mind that deal that collapsed on Tuesday when the client discovered it would cost £3m to upgrade a £15m office block in Reigate from ‘D’ to ‘B’. We’d said the clunker might cost £1m to get a ‘B’-grade Energy Performance Certificate. A GBH ...

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: the fear card

    2022-09-08T00:00:00Z

    Friday 9 September, 10am, Team P Zoomie-meet! Barred from the office today! Can you believe it? Threatened with P45s in July, unless we entered GBH Towers four days a week come September.

  • Agent P
    Professional

    Agent P: school holidays

    2022-08-25T00:00:00Z

    Friday 26 August, 9am, Titanic room: GBH Towers 20% full at best. Fred on the door says the missing are mostly staff with kids, facing a weekend of airport hell tracking back from the Costa Brava or Corsica at the fag-end of the school hols. “Serves ‘em right,” he chuckles. ...

  • Agent P
    Online

    Agent P: border crossing

    2022-07-28T00:00:00Z

    Friday 29 July, 3pm, Baltic Room: Posh Girl and Charlie Boy finally return from Dover, three hours late for the Team P meeting to discuss the value of a brand-new shed paid for by the taxpayer, but no longer needed. 

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: the Boris of property

    2022-07-13T09:10:00Z

    Friday 15th July, 9.30am, Teutonic room: Groan. Charlie Boy does like to brag of his political connections. In his element this week, of course. Forty years on from Harrow, a few of his cleverer classmates are MPs. “Gove dared not run for PM for reasons I simply cannot disclose,” he ...

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: don't panic?!

    2022-06-30T00:00:00Z

    Friday 1 July, 8am, eighth-floor boardroom: Ungodly hour, but the gods of GBH are over from Atlanta. Team leaders have been summoned from their beds. Weird wearing a suit and tie again. Our American masters are a conservative lot. Noah, Wyatt and Logan are dressed like evangelist preachers.

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: meeting

    2022-06-15T23:00:00Z

    Friday 17 June 8.30am, Baltic Room: Managed to drag entire team into office on a Friday. Result! Done by promising them details of a new instruction, the like of which no one has ever had before. 

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: jubilation

    2022-06-01T00:00:00Z

    Friday 3 June 10.30am: Still under duvet. Bored. Is there anything worse than a street party? I don’t even live in a damn street. Yet a bunch of lonely losers from the lower floors are attempting to assemble a gazebo in the car park fronting our block.

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: payday

    2022-05-19T00:00:00Z

    Friday 20 May 8.30am, Teutonic Room: Managed to get a full house this week using the carrot of going for lunch and not coming back. Wagamama in Holborn, not the Punchbowl in Mayfair. I saw no need to mention the venue. The days of scoffing the £50 set menu and ...

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: the Otherside

    2022-05-05T00:00:00Z

    Friday 6 May, 8.30am, Baltic Room: Easier to herd cats than physically gather Team P on a Friday these days. Young Thruster and Geek Boy are in the room, the other shirkers on Zoom.

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: back in the building

    2022-04-21T00:00:00Z

    Friday 22nd April, 10am. Eighth-floor boardroom: Section heads meeting. Spittle begins to fly from Mike’s mouth as our esteemed UK boss gathers stride in what began as rant against this year’s intake of “work-shy, entitled, insolent graduates”, before metastasising into blast against what he calls the “Home Eff Work shenanigans”.

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: caught in the middle

    2022-04-07T00:00:00Z

    Friday 8th April, Corinthic Room, 9.30am: “Enough! Enough!” I bellow at Charlie Boy, who was spitting far more than feathers at Posh Girl. Charlie is ex-army, ex-Savills, all Force Nine charm with a laugh like an ack-ack gun. Ageing, but with his contacts, still a deadly deal-getter.

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: Operation Winston

    2022-03-24T00:00:00Z

    Friday 25th March, Titanic Room. 8.00am: Team talk! Feels good sharing a room again with my five campaneros. I feel they deserve a briefing on the secret work I have been doing as part of Operation Winston, namely a history review of Russian client files in case we turned the ...

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: Operation Purify

    2022-03-10T00:00:00Z

    Friday 11 March: Hunkered in GBH bunker, aiding Operation Purify. Mipim? Not going now, don’t care! I’m chalking up house points as a member of Operation Purify, trusted employees scouring The Stain of Putin from GBH.

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: A Russian visitor

    2022-02-24T00:00:00Z

    Friday 25 February, noon: Utilitarian hotel room, Heathrow. My one Russian client has flown in from Cyprus. Kirill is no oligarch. I bought him a modest multi-let industrial estate in Lewisham 10 years ago for £6m – at a juicy 11% yield. Credit Suisse vouched for him.

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: Mother of God

    2022-02-10T00:00:00Z

    Friday 11 February, 8.30am Britannic Room: Charlie Boy is on resignation alert. The only client he lured over from Savills when he joined GBH in 2020 was last week lured by Knight Frank to a big breakfast presentation at the nouveau Nobu Hotel, a spangled spot off Portman Square with ...

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: Dad doo doo

    2022-01-27T00:00:00Z

    Friday 28th January, 8.30am, Titanic Room: Young Thruster pleads for ideas. His dad is in debt doo doo. 

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: Baltic Room

    2022-01-13T00:00:00Z

    Friday 14 January, 8.30am, Baltic Room: a zinger of an idea to kick off 2022. GBH’s tack-sharp fund originators have figured a way to make a bundle from Grenfell-blighted blocks, now Gove is promising to pay to replace cladding.

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: WFH...again

    2021-12-16T00:00:00Z

    Friday 17th November, 10am. In bed, bad head: Sigh… Truth to tell, being told on Monday to work from home was a bit of a relief. Managed to get the Christmas shopping done yesterday and meet a few mates for a happy afternoon (and evening) in the pub.

  • Agent P
    News

    Agent P: sign of the times

    2021-12-02T00:00:00Z

    Friday 3 December 11.25am: Attlee Room (redacted) City Council offices. You’d think the £620 our client, Josh Bang, paid upfront for pre-app meeting would have bought us more than filthy coffee and a brusque brush-off from the deputy chief planner.