All Agent P articles

  • Agent P
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    Agent P: The Tank

    2020-09-17T00:00:00Z

    6pm, 18 September, The Tank: Why GBH staff call the spit-and-sawdust wine bar north of Oxford Street ‘The Tank’ is lost in time. Didn’t getting ‘tanked up’ used to be a thing? Not tonight, place is a morgue.

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    Agent P: Teutonic Room

    2020-09-03T10:14:00Z

    8.30am, Friday 4 September, Teutonic Room: “Say hello to Charlie Boy.” I gesture to Team P’s newest recruit, the embarrassed 54-year-old third son of a minor hereditary peer who left Savills under a weeny cloud a few months ago.

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    Agent P: posh girl

    2020-07-29T10:56:00Z

    31 July, noon: Standing with Posh Girl on the ninth floor of an empty 1970s office block by a flyover on the A13 at Pitsea in Essex. With us is Mr X, beaming with pleasure.

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    Agent P: back to work

    2020-07-16T00:00:00Z

    8.30am, Friday 17 July, Teutonic Room: All five members of Team P are present and correct, thanks to Boris’s ‘back to work’ edict.

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    Agent P: cat's out of the bag

    2020-07-03T00:00:00Z

    10am, Friday 3 July: Back on ruddy Zoom. Young Thruster looks ashen-faced. I tell him to adjust his Anglepoise. No difference. He’s pale as a ghost.

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    Agent P: getting the gang back together

    2020-06-19T00:00:00Z

    8.30am, 19 June, Titanic Room: Weird having Team P sat round the table after three months. The room barely holds the six of us, socially distanced. Odd seeing them in the flesh, dressed and pressed.

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    Agent P: an old friend's in town

    2020-06-05T00:00:00Z

    Friday 5 June: back in the office. Secret squirrel pow wow. Weird atmosphere. Zig-zag tape all over the floors. No lift, so flog up the stairs to eighth floor. Guess who’s sitting with GBH bosses alongside a VBC (very big cheese) from Atlanta? OLD TOM! MY MAN! Fired 18 months ...

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    Agent P: He's back...with ideas

    2020-05-22T00:00:00Z

    8.30am, 22 May, an East Kent Ford dealership. Guess who’s back from Mexico? My mate Ivan. He scuttled off to some place named after a dog in 2009 with a few million, after HMRC came knocking. Wife’s rich uncle provided a bolthole. Chihuahua was it? No matter.

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    Agent P: Decisions, decisions...

    2020-05-07T00:00:00Z

    3.25am, 7 May: lockdown day… lost count. Can’t sleep, mind in turmoil. Take a call from an old Reading mate who’s also on furlough. He’s moonlighting for an outfit called PropCash and wants to know if I’d like to earn a few bob.

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    Agent P: Furloughed...

    2020-04-23T00:00:00Z

    4pm, 24 April: day 42 of lockdown. Team P was ‘furloughed’ yesterday… including ME! I’m devastated. The others, well, cannon fodder. But ME? Sod that.

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    Agent P: When will it end?

    2020-03-27T00:00:00Z

    3.40pm, 27 March: day 14 of self-isolation. Late afternoons are the worst. Too early for a beer, too late for a snooze.

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    Agent P: Self-isolating

    2020-03-11T10:24:00Z

    9:45am, 13 March: Self-isolating. Weird things are happening. Stopped scrolling through the phone on Tuesday, after seven days of being stuck at home.

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    Agent P: ticket to Mipim

    2020-02-26T16:27:00Z

    28 February, 9:30am, Baltic Room: Things picking up, jolly meeting, until now. Geek Boy pipes up that he’s going to Mipim. “Really?” I say, straining to sound unconcerned. Yesterday the Eighth Floor told me I wasn’t getting a berth after 17 consecutive years. “GBH’s EMEA CDO has got me a ...

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    Agent P: Olympic room

    2020-02-12T13:08:00Z

    14 February, 8:30am, Olympic Room : All I did was josh Posh Girl about her short skirt, asking if she had a hot date tonight. I may have winked, but it was a friendly wink.

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    Agent P: Baltic Room

    2020-01-15T13:41:00Z

    8.30 am, 17 January, Baltic Room: Redacted client attitude survey towards GBH and our competitors lies smouldering on the table. An annual anal examination costing £50k!

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    Agent P: Where is everyone?

    2019-12-18T10:29:00Z

    20 December, 10:30am. Alone, at hot-desk: I mean, come on! Where is everyone? After half an hour waiting for the rest of Team P in the Titanic Room I give up. 

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    Agent P: Baltic Room

    2019-12-04T13:32:00Z

    8.30am, 6 December, Baltic Room: Young Thruster has been tasked with finding out why the hell LondonMetric would want to splash £14.5m on 18 roadside car wash sites. Gangs of Albanians in pub car parks are cheaper and better, surely?

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    Agent P: Teutonic Room

    2019-11-20T13:30:00Z

    8.30am, 22 November, Teutonic Room: Geek Boy brings bad tidings. He’s been operating undercover for the last six months. Well, shambling along in his scruffy threads to saloon bar meetings of local malcontents, protesting against our client’s plans to ease London’s housing crisis by adding 750 flats in two 45-storey ...

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    Agent P: The Savoy

    2019-10-10T12:11:00Z

    8:30pm, 11 October, Gondoliers Room, The Savoy: This is the life! GBH’s best Asian client has gathered the development team that managed to jam an extra 1,400 homes on brownfield land just inside the M25, bought five years ago with outline permission for 5,000 units, for a no-expense-spared dinner.

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    Agent P: sardine space

    2019-07-25T08:39:00Z

    8:30am, 26 July, Corinthic Room : Mutterings about moving to second floor persist. But I do feel we six seem to be managing well with four desks.