Friday 29 July, 3pm, Baltic Room: Posh Girl and Charlie Boy finally return from Dover, three hours late for the Team P meeting to discuss the value of a brand-new shed paid for by the taxpayer, but no longer needed. 

The government has wasted £450m building freight inspection sheds in and around UK ports – before the idea of poking through fruit and veg on its way from the continent was abandoned.

GBH has been instructed to value these white elephants and suggest alternative uses. Our not-so-intrepid trio made a wrong turn and got caught in ferry-bound traffic. The rest of us wiled away the time over pizzas in that air-conditioned bistro on Marylebone Lane. We are relaxed, feeling cool. Our weary travellers are wound up and steaming.

“I am never, ever going down to the [three expletives deleted] end of Kent again, summer or winter,” shouts Charlie Boy, puce-faced. “The [two expletives deleted] Border Force guy never turned up. The [one expletive deleted] security guard let us in. These sheds are no use to man nor beast, worth sod-all.”

Posh Girl does not swear. “We will be suggesting this one be used to store emergency food and water for those landing on our beaches – as well as for those attempting to reach beaches on the continent.”

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