Friday 18 November, 8am, Titanic Room: In early. Daunting day. I’ve got a super-secret offsite brainstorm in an hour. 

Agent P

GBH was asked on Monday to tender for the “sourcing and management of temporary accommodation” for asylum seekers, just 24 hours after Home Office minister Robert Jenrick demanded in The Sunday Telegraph that ‘Hotel Britain’ must end “and be replaced with simple, functional accommodation”.

They must be desperate appealing to traditional property agents. Word is only one of our rivals is on the tender list. The others declined, presumably after applying the Private Eye test: would you like what you are doing to appear in the satirical fortnightly?

“Er… just putting this out there. Does anyone know of any empty student blocks or struggling permitted development conversions?” I ask airily. “Why?” asks a suspicious Sporty Girl, who I suspect reads The Guardian.

Posh Boy cuts in: “It’s part of the plan to get asylum seekers out of £200-per-night hotels, isn’t it! I say the French should only be paid for each RIB they puncture on the beaches.” OMG. “Can’t say,” I say, badly wishing I’d not asked.

Post-brainstorm PS: A fortune to be made. But not even GBH wants to help out Jenrick or his here-today boss Cruella Braverman.