Friday 23 July, 8.30am, Homeric Room: Place is a morgue. But the Eighth Floor has commanded teams meet once a week now ‘freedom’ has been declared by holed-up Boris. Geek Boy is presenting. He has returned from a six-month secondment to HR.

Agent P

“Come on, what have you been doing with the Hire and Fire merchants?” He mumbles something about “expanding CSR” and “capturing global data”. Starship Command in Atlanta has got a fit of the yips, after research showed clients perceived GBH as a bunch of white, male-dominated, climate change deniers. Hence, a whole team of those who can do more than add up in Excel has been gathering virtually round the globe for months, garnering far more granular CSR stats than last year, on everything from employees’ race and sex to the size of our utility bills.

“The plan was to impress the world in September with a perception-altering launch of our 2021 CSR publication,” says Geek Boy. ”What do you mean ‘was’?” I ask. Turns out C&W launched a GBH-busting set of stats in July that we can never hope to match; not least that 19,775 of their 50,139 staff are women and 42% of the 7,550 staff that are ‘managers’ are female. Ours will now go up on the web with nary a whimper. We’re not even halfway there…