Friday 9 September, 10am, Team P Zoomie-meet! Barred from the office today! Can you believe it? Threatened with P45s in July, unless we entered GBH Towers four days a week come September.

Agent P

The Powers That Be have done a reverse ferret. They have shuttered two of the eight floors at our 50,000 sq ft gas-guzzler north of Oxford Street due to sky-rocketing energy bills. All 550 staff will have to take turns coming in. Un-ruddy-believable! Some tosh about the place only being 40% full at best – and the cost of keeping the lights on rising from £200,000 to closer to £1m.

New PM Truss has promised help. The Powers That Be say only with future rises. “Keep calm everybody,” I implore. “It’s what you wanted isn’t it? A good excuse to stay home on Fridays.”

Rebellious mutterings can be heard from several screens. “Well yeah, maybe. But we want to work from home on our terms. Not be forced to stay at home and use our own juice!” splutters Charlie Boy. “I vote we demand an electricity allowance,” says Young Thruster – one of nature’s shop stewards, but lacking the cunning of Peter Sellers’ creation Fred Kite.

Time to play the fear card: “The way things are going there’ll be enough room for everyone on six floors by Christmas.”