All Agent P articles – Page 3
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NewsAgent P: sign of the times
Friday 3 December 11.25am: Attlee Room (redacted) City Council offices. You’d think the £620 our client, Josh Bang, paid upfront for pre-app meeting would have bought us more than filthy coffee and a brusque brush-off from the deputy chief planner.
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NewsAgent P: greenwashing
Friday 19 November, 8.45am, Teutonic Room: “Cop this!” snorts Charlie Boy, staring down at his phone, interrupting my half-hearted explanation of why GBH now wants staff to define their personal pronouns.
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NewsAgent P: down the drain
Friday 5 November, 8.30am. Oceanic room: Bad news to impart. About 80% of Team P’s 2021 bonus pool has just swirled down the drain. A BTR purchase of 115 flats in Hull has been nixed after five months of patient pushing by Charlie Boy and Posh Girl.
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NewsAgent P: that sinking feeling
Friday 22 Oct, Noon, Titanic Room: UK leasing team leaders meeting. Fifteen or so of us gather warily once a quarter. The barely hidden agenda consists of dissing rivals, boasting of our successes, excusing failures and general point-scoring with GBH’s head of leasing, normally chummy Brian.
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NewsAgent P: old Tom
Sunday 3 October, 7-ish. At home: Half-watching some woke nonsense on Countryfile when the boss rings. “Meeting, Corinthic Room, 7.30am tomorrow.” OMG! Has Sporty Girl dobbed me in over that bit of harmless banter last week? Is this the chop? Sleepless night follows.
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NewsAgent P: pay our own RICS fees? not likely
Friday 24 September 9.30am, Baltic Room: “Pay our own RICS fees? I don’t think so!” snorts Charlie Boy, the only member of Team P who’s a FRICS, which cost GBH £658 this year because the firm always pay your fees, don’t they? It’s like a rule, isn’t it?
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NewsAgent P: back to school
Friday 10 September 8.30am, Britannic Room: What a week! School’s-back atmosphere. Team P all present and correct at GBH House since Tuesday. Today’s official agenda handed down from the Eighth Floor. Tell us in 500 words and on one Excel sheet how your tiny shard of GBH is going to ...
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NewsAgent P: wallbanger
Friday 27 August, noon: All-Zoom meeting. Dispensation to not attend in person reluctantly given yesterday.
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NewsAgent P: pinged
Friday 6 August. Pinged! Fuming at home: I blame Charlie Boy, who wriggled his wrist in that ‘beer, anyone?’ way last Friday lunchtime. The Guinea was rammed. Team P ended up in the Punchbowl on Farm Street, where Strutt & Parker refugees from French rule still gather.
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NewsAgent P: freedom?
Friday 23 July, 8.30am, Homeric Room: Place is a morgue. But the Eighth Floor has commanded teams meet once a week now ‘freedom’ has been declared by holed-up Boris. Geek Boy is presenting. He has returned from a six-month secondment to HR.
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NewsAgent P: witch’s broom
Friday 9 July 2pm: gripping a witch’s broom between my thighs in a dank basement car park at a prospective client’s shopping centre.
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NewsAgent P: GBH
Friday 25 June 7.30am – sequestered in the bowels of (redacted) bank: GBH has been hired by a bunch of ravening wolves looking to tear apart Morrisons. No, not Clayton Dubilier and whatever – another lot, who make The Dubliners, as we call them, look like lambs.
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NewsAgent P: back to the office (sort of)
Friday 11 June: 8.30am back in the (Titanic) room! Well, four of us are: Geek Lad, Young Thruster and Posh Boy are up on the split screen. “What the hell are you boys doing?” I bark. “Friday is a Team P office day!”
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NewsAgent P: TGIF
Friday 28 May, 9.30am; back in the Zoom. Team P has voted to WFH on a Friday. The office resembles the Mary Celeste that day. The rumour is GBH will go all Goldman Sachs and order us to haul our sorry selves in on Fridays.
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NewsAgent P: face to face, finally
Friday 14 May 7.30am, second floor, GBH House: Queer seeing Team P in the flesh after eight months. Each of us is shyly eyeing the other, as we plonk our stuff down on and under a set of six desks in my favoured corner.
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NewsAgent P: G&T time
Friday 30 April: I’m more Savills than Knight Frank, really. CBRE if the money was good. My loyalty to GBH is running dry. Atlanta has tapped Giles A instead of Alex W to run the UK.
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NewsAgent P: Cyberspace race
Noon, Friday 16 April: Team P Zoomie. Geek Boy is 10 minutes into a bewildering spiel on how Non-Fungible Tokens (NFTs) will open the floodgates to virtual property trading. Charlie Boy bursts in: “Enough of the [redacted] NFTs. No punter on Earth would be dumb enough to buy kit that ...
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NewsAgent P: let's talk about sheds
Noon, Friday 2 April: Team P Zoomie. We have a good chortle at Geek Boy, garbed in fresh white shirt instead of his usual Cradle of Filth tee. Yesterday, I fooled him into smartening up, suggesting GBH’s global tech boss from Atlanta would be on-screen today. IT guys – can’t ...
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NewsAgent P: Team P Zoomie
Friday 19 March 11.30am, Team P Zoomie: All pretence at dressing up gone. Even Posh Girl is in a hoodie. What Young Thruster’s wearing under that bilious green duvet is best not imagined. Nobody can really be bothered with work stuff.
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NewsAgent P: Zoomie with them upstairs
Friday 5 March, Zoomie with Them Upstairs: Marzipan-layer managers like me are getting advance griff from the Eighth Floor on GBH’s ‘come back to work’ strategy.
