All Agent P articles – Page 3
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NewsAgent P: witch’s broom
Friday 9 July 2pm: gripping a witch’s broom between my thighs in a dank basement car park at a prospective client’s shopping centre.
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Agent P: GBH
Friday 25 June 7.30am – sequestered in the bowels of (redacted) bank: GBH has been hired by a bunch of ravening wolves looking to tear apart Morrisons. No, not Clayton Dubilier and whatever – another lot, who make The Dubliners, as we call them, look like lambs.
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Agent P: back to the office (sort of)
Friday 11 June: 8.30am back in the (Titanic) room! Well, four of us are: Geek Lad, Young Thruster and Posh Boy are up on the split screen. “What the hell are you boys doing?” I bark. “Friday is a Team P office day!”
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Agent P: TGIF
Friday 28 May, 9.30am; back in the Zoom. Team P has voted to WFH on a Friday. The office resembles the Mary Celeste that day. The rumour is GBH will go all Goldman Sachs and order us to haul our sorry selves in on Fridays.
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Agent P: face to face, finally
Friday 14 May 7.30am, second floor, GBH House: Queer seeing Team P in the flesh after eight months. Each of us is shyly eyeing the other, as we plonk our stuff down on and under a set of six desks in my favoured corner.
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Agent P: G&T time
Friday 30 April: I’m more Savills than Knight Frank, really. CBRE if the money was good. My loyalty to GBH is running dry. Atlanta has tapped Giles A instead of Alex W to run the UK.
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Agent P: Cyberspace race
Noon, Friday 16 April: Team P Zoomie. Geek Boy is 10 minutes into a bewildering spiel on how Non-Fungible Tokens (NFTs) will open the floodgates to virtual property trading. Charlie Boy bursts in: “Enough of the [redacted] NFTs. No punter on Earth would be dumb enough to buy kit that ...
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Agent P: let's talk about sheds
Noon, Friday 2 April: Team P Zoomie. We have a good chortle at Geek Boy, garbed in fresh white shirt instead of his usual Cradle of Filth tee. Yesterday, I fooled him into smartening up, suggesting GBH’s global tech boss from Atlanta would be on-screen today. IT guys – can’t ...
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Agent P: Team P Zoomie
Friday 19 March 11.30am, Team P Zoomie: All pretence at dressing up gone. Even Posh Girl is in a hoodie. What Young Thruster’s wearing under that bilious green duvet is best not imagined. Nobody can really be bothered with work stuff.
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Agent P: Zoomie with them upstairs
Friday 5 March, Zoomie with Them Upstairs: Marzipan-layer managers like me are getting advance griff from the Eighth Floor on GBH’s ‘come back to work’ strategy.
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Agent P: the incredible sulk
Friday 19 February, 8.30am Zoomie: When I sulked as a child, my mother tried to tease a smile with, “aww…who licked the sugar off your bun?” I’m sulking now.
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Agent P: Zoomie
Friday 5 February, 8.30am Zoomie: I spot a sky-blue vase bursting with daffodils on the Welsh dresser behind Posh Girl.
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Agent P: New year honours
Friday 8 January, still holed up at home: Year-end appraisals cancelled, yippee! No wary bonus chat with Gruppenführer Geoff. No weary chats with Team P. They always whine about pay! Even the Eighth Floor can see conducting appraisals remotely is as useless as dating on Zoom.
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Agent P: Festive cheer
Friday 11 December, virtual Christmas drinks: I’d rather drink hemlock in hell, but the rest of Team P pinged ‘Yay!’ when Young Thruster suggested we should “bling up and drink up!” on Zoom at noon. Up the oik pops in an Eminem T-shirt, clutching a Becks. Is that a chromed-up ...
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Agent P: Hot gossip
Friday 27th November: Idling at home, bored. Fire up Zoom for a goss with my mate Joe at JLL. Mission: to suss his new EMEA boss, a Yank called Andy Poppink. “A basketball Jock who makes George Clooney look like George Soros,” sighs Joe, five foot three in his socks ...
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Agent P: Zoom calls
Friday 13 November, couch surfing: Zoomed an old Kingston mate last Sunday out of curiosity – and having sod-all else to do now my local has locked its doors again. Tommy spent his entire career at Lambert Smith Hampton, since we graduated in 1998. He always was a shed-head. LSH ...
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Agent P: self-isolating
Friday 30 October: self-isolating from impending S-storm. Klaxons going off across GBH.
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Agent P: WFH
Friday 16 October, WFH: Geek Boy was right – these 10-inch ring lights brighten up life on Zoom no end! Plug ‘em into the laptop and bingo! Instead of six faces peering down a drain at dusk, Team P lines up in bright and glorious detail.
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Agent P: In bed
Friday October 1st: In bed. I’ve had it. Sweet September has soured into bitter October. The rest of Team P is seconded to Property Management, to rustle up Q4 rents. Fat chance.
