All Agent P articles – Page 5
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NewsAgent P: crowd-funder suckers
14 June, Adriatic Room, 8am: Geek Boy is in the doghouse. Big time.
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Agent P: roundtable revelations
17 May, Corinthic Room: I feel Team P deserve to hear what their seniors are thinking.
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Agent P: gender imbalance
What a turn-up! I’m sat at the big round table on the eighth floor of Henry House: 700 worker bees beneath, ours to command! Say hello to the newest member of the eight-strong UK board.
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Agent P: woke woes
9.30am, 18 April, Homeric Room: Agent P, alone, bangs head on table, repeats, confides to empty room: “I’ve had it with this diversity twaddle!”
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Agent P: valuation day
8.30am, 5 April, Adriatic Room: Young Thruster has the air of a crestfallen cockerel.
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Agent P: Mipim days
8 March, Skype call to team from rat-hole flat in Nice: “Hello? Hell-bloody-lo! Where are you all?”
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Agent P: opposite numbers
21 February, The Punchbowl private dining room, Mayfair: Joy suddenly confined.
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Agent P: rental reviews
8.00am, Corinthic room: Old Tom is back from an awkward meeting with his raffish client Clive who owns three retail parks, two containing Carpetright stores.
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Agent P: new year returns
Homeric Room, 8:45am: Geek Boy is back from San Fran, full of the joys of proptech. Promising interest from GBH, he met as many start-ups as possible. The bearded idiot has been gabbing for 45 minutes on how we’ll be apped out of existence, replaced by robots, drones and software ...
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Agent P: fake news?
8:00am, Teutonic Room: My best PR idea ever was yesterday squashed by Them Upstairs. Am I hacked off? Damn right I am
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Agent P: roll on Christmas parties
8.30am, Olympus room: “Roll on the Christmas party,” I say brightly, after delivering the bad news, the worse news and the plain chilling news – the bad news being the imminent appearance of one of GBH’s own in court, charged with sexual harassment against one of our female graduates at ...
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Agent P: revaluations
8.30am, Adriatic Room: Young Thruster waltzes in, looking a prat in a pink grandpa vest and skinny jeans. I tell him to bugger off home and change back into his Thomas Pink shirt and M&S chinos.
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Agent P: Ructions in Riyadh
8.00am, Titanic Room: Gloom, 40 fathoms deep. All hope for a £90m deal has just sunk like that bloody ship on the wall, along with a whale of a fee.
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Agent P: double dealing
8.00am, Homeric Room: Posh Girl shifts uneasily in her seat as Young Thruster explains the move he’s made to muscle out a one-man-and-his-dog tenant rep team from a deal.
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Agent P: Vision 2025
7:30am EST: Windsor Ballroom, Buckhead Intercontinental, Atlanta. Yay! Three days of mingling with GBH top brass at annual jamboree. Snagged a spot, thanks to Old Tom and Sporty Girl. Wham! Bam! My dynamic duo suckered a Chinese bicycle billionaire into cycling £51m into a tumbleweed resi site in Docklands. Result!
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Agent P: winds of change
8:30am, Olympic Room: Winds of change are wafting over the pond from Our Bloody American Masters in Atlanta. Looks like Posh Girl’s six months of trying to snag the global mandate to flog Trump’s Hansel and Gretel golf chalets in Scotland has been blown away.
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Agent P: new term
8.30am, Titanic Room: New term, early gloom. Ominous memo from Them Upstairs. GBH may miss Q4 EMEA targets. Bloody Brexit. Even shed market is sluggish.
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Agent P: holiday chat
8.30am, Oceanic Room: Mostly holiday chat. Geek Boy still in San Fran, Old Tom in Eastbourne. My fortnight at the Eden Roc Miami Beach Resort was amazing. Posh Girl cemented relationship with MAGA Properties guy in Tuscany. 😊
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Agent P: serviced solution
8.30am, air con knackered in GBH House. Cowering under tree in Portman Square: I begin jauntily. Can’t let Team P smell my fear. Just as well only three of the six are sprawled on the withered grass. Posh Girl is in Tuscany, Posh Boy in Bolivia and Sporty Girl sweating ...
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Agent P: the shed is dead
2pm, Adriatic room: Meeting moved to 2pm to punish Old Tom. Teach him to roll back from The Guinea mid-afternoon last Friday. (Mayfair boozer. Pricey pints, even pricier £64 set menu. Place often crammed with Strutt & Parker guys, drinking to forget they now work for BNP Paribas.)
